​Seniors Matter(s): To have and to hold until death us do part!

This phrase has been spoken at weddings for eons. It was quite a reasonable statement in ancient times when you married in your mid-teens and died by the age of 30.

Times have changed and divorce is a very current issue.

A divorce is often the last resort for many couples who no longer wish to be with each other. They can choose to be separated for some time or make it permanent by opting for this legal way out of the marriage. The earliest known evidence of the history of divorce is found in the Greco-Roman culture.

Social scientists and other scholars have long studied the issue of what leads to divorce. Some have looked at easily-measured factors that make divorce more likely, such as the age when people get married. But other researchers have gone right to the source: asking divorced people why they think their marriages ended.

In several studies that asked people to choose from a list of important reasons for their divorce, lack of commitment came out at the top of the list. (As many as 85 per cent of participants in one study gave this answer.)

Interestingly enough, another study showed lack of commitment was also the reason couples were most likely to agree on — although one spouse usually blamed the other for not working harder to save the marriage.

Lack of commitment can seem vague and hard to prove (or disprove), especially to the person who's being blamed for the problem. The outward signs are often related to other reasons for divorce, such as extramarital affairs, not being willing to talk about the relationship, and not working toward shared financial goals. That's probably why so many people point to a lack of commitment as a significant cause of divorce — because they see it as the issue underlying a range of more obvious problems.

All those lawmakers who settled on "irreconcilable differences" as the basic ground for no-fault divorce, were on to something. When asked why their marriages ended, a significant proportion of divorced people answer with some variation of "we grew apart," "we drifted apart," or "we were just incompatible" (up to 55 per cent in one study).

This concept of incompatibility could include other divorce reasons that came up in various studies, such as:
 

• A lack of shared values
• Marrying too young (which makes growing apart more likely)
• Sexual difficulties
• Religious differences

Of course, many couples live with, and even relish, their differences. But most successful marriages are based on a core of shared (or at least overlapping) interests, priorities, and values. Outward signs of incompatibility often go hand-in-hand with other common reasons for divorce — especially poor communication, which is next on the list.

Around 50 per cent of participants in various studies cited reasons for divorce that had to do with poor communication, such as arguing too much and not being able to talk to each other. Here again, communication problems can be the cause of other reasons people give for divorce, such as conflict over money and family responsibilities.

It's not hard to recognize when you're arguing all the time with your spouse. But even if the fights aren't that frequent or nasty, keep an eye out for repeated arguments about the same thing or disagreements that never really get resolved. That can be a sign that you need help learning how to communicate with each other more effectively, perhaps through couple's therapy.

Although infidelity (or adultery) came up in every study, its frequency among the reasons given for divorce, varied from about 20 per cent in one study to 60 per cent in others.

This wide range could reflect the fact that at least some divorced people consider an affair as just the last straw after a string of other marital problems. Those other problems might be the reason someone goes outside the marriage for intimacy, excitement, or distraction — or even as an unconscious way of provoking the other spouse into calling an end to the marriage.

In different studies, about 40 per cent of people said that financial problems — in particular, complaints about how their ex-spouse handled money — were a major reason they got divorced. Fights over money are often referred to as "financial incompatibility," because they usually stem from differences in dealing with finances.

Not surprisingly, research has shown that couples with lower incomes are more likely to cite financial incompatibility as a major reason for getting divorced. When there's less to go around — and higher stress about being able to pay bills — there's likely to be more fighting over money issues. And of course, no matter a couple's income level, fights about money and property continue during the divorce itself.

Other studies show that 10-35 per cent of people said they divorced because of their spouse's drinking or drug problems.

Between 15-25 per cent of participants in various studies listed domestic violence as an important reason for divorce.

Women and men tend to have very different views of domestic abuse as a cause of divorce. In one national study, 42 per cent of women — but only nine per cent of men — cited domestic violence as an important reason their marriage ended. That could reflect the fact that women are much more likely than men to suffer intimate partner abuse.

When some studies asked about the important reasons for divorce, about 20 per cent of participants cited conflicts in their marriage over: how to raise their kids, child-care responsibilities, and/or other family and household obligations.

It's worth noting that at least one study showed women were significantly more likely than men to cite these disputes as an important cause of their divorce. (In older studies that gave participants a checklist of reasons, the lists seldom included conflicts over family responsibilities — perhaps because many social scientists overlooked or made assumptions about gender roles in marriages between men and women.)

As I’ve noted, this list of top divorce reasons is based on our review of several research studies. It accounts for how often people, looking back at their own divorce, identified these as significant causes — not how severe the issues are when they happen. As one obvious example, any form of domestic violence is normally more serious than communication problems.

Couples who divorce after the age of 50, sometimes called a gray divorce, give additional reasons for ending their union that range from empty nest syndrome to a spouse's serious health problems.

Of course, every marriage is unique, and most couples face at least one of the problems on this list at some point in their relationship. But while some issues are more harmful than others (such as domestic abuse and serious substance abuse disorders), most don't have to lead to divorce — as long as both spouses are willing to work together to save the marriage. That's probably why a lack of commitment was at the top of the list in multiple studies.

For many couples, going for a period of separation, even as they are making up their mind about getting divorced, is the best thing for their relationship. Property rights, health-care benefits and other factors remain the same, yet they get to live separately from their spouse to think things over.

Obviously, no one goes into a marriage thinking of divorce, but 44 per cent of marriages end for reasons listed above.

Are we self-centred or realistically taking care of ourselves?

Are we pragmatic or realistic?

Tough question.

‘Till next time!